When did I become so cynical? Is it my age? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I’ve encountered too many pricks for one lifetime? (Ps. Dontcha just love the expressive cacti photo to work alongside this intro?)
Truth be told, I’ve always had a little guard up. I never expect too much of people, (this probably stems back to my absent sperm-donor of a father that waltzed in and out of my early teen years – thanks, ya big ol’ twat!) but really, I’ve almost started to expect the worst in everything. Be it in a persons actions or behaviour or just general day to day life. It’s the most bizarre thing. “I’m going to get the sack!” or “Why did so & so do what they did, it’s so inconsiderate?” are just a few examples over the last few weeks my brain has decided throw at me.
My husband has slowly been starting to point out that my positive thoughts are really “lacking” at the moment. I have chosen to dwell on things that I can’t change and find it hard to move on from events that have riddled me in the past. I cling on to them and I’m ripe to throw these events in someone’s face if they rile me again, I don’t suffer fools gladly and I hate those that take advantage of situations. I find it hard to forget the stuff that doesn’t even really matter.
Expecting the worst has always been my downfall.
As much as it’s annoying to be told that you’re constantly mardy is a real kick in the teeth, but I think I’ve needed to hear it that many times for me to really start working on it.
The times I have said since the beginning of August, “I don’t have a free weekend from now until the end of November” has been giving me serious heart palpitations, too. The worry that I just won’t fit everything in that I need to in amongst the chaos has been plaguing me on top of everything else. I know it’s effecting my health. I’ve finally accepted that I need to take a slightly new approach to life & to become a more “positive thinker.”
It was meant to be the holiday which gave me total clarity on the whole matter, a time to relax and just forget about every day life and I had pinned so much of my hopes on it, so when my body decided to embrace the chilled out vibes it decided I was going to get poorly sick. Sadly, 85% of the holiday was spent running to the loo in agony (YAY for TMI!) so I never really felt relaxed and to be honest, all I wanted was my own bed & pj’s. This holiday just wasn’t meant to bring me that inner peace and unfortunately it was way off the mark.
It was only until I went on a my best friends hen do to Liverpool, this weekend gone, that I have felt totally and utterly back on track with life. A weekend away with the girls, getting absolutely shit faced (lolz) being pampered at the spa and basically just causing a raucous with some of the most decent ladies in my life. It gave me a chance to just enjoy everything in a “here and now” kinda way. Something I’ve slowly been forgetting to do.
We are always looking forward or remembering the past. In this day & age it is hard to live in the “now” but I’m really going to give it a go because I need to, for my own sake (& everyone else around me!) I know the journey will have its ups and downs, slowly but surely I just hope that it can all get back on track and I can start being my chirpy, little self again.
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