It seems such a stupid question to be asking at nearly 27 years. It’s something you’d expect of a teenager at school to ask, wouldn’t you? But, what happens when you are in your mid to late twenties and you still feel like you don’t & haven’t ever quite fit in? It’s a question that I have always asked myself. Have you?
Through school I was friends with various groups of people, passing from one set of friends to another. I was indeed a “human floater.” How crass? I had a lot of friendship groups where I had friends I adored and the feeling was reciprocated but then amongst them there were people who despised me. I don’t know why & I don’t think I ever will. It was just something I grew up through school having to accept. Their minds would not be changed. Maybe it is because I’ve always been a strong character, who often wanted people and myself to do good things but would often end up doing the wrong thing or making poor choices or decisions. It wasn’t particularly terrible but somehow, I always managed to just, fuck up. I was a walking contradiction. Growing up and coping with my pubescent teens just seemed so hard for me.
I left my further education after receiving my first batch of AS level test results. I hadn’t done too great but I wasn’t particularly bothered. I started skipping school, spending time at home and generally not giving a damn if I missed my classes. It was then I had to just realise school was not for me. So I went on to do an Apprenticeship within the Travel Industry. I never really kept in touch with many friends from school, making me realise that I was capable enough to move on and make new ones. I’m so grateful for the people I do have in my life now that don’t judge me and laugh with me when I am at my lowest.
Sadly within the workplace I have often come across nasty & spiteful people that relish in not only you not succeeding but also being better than you. You’d be right in thinking that similar scenarios follow you from your childhood all your life when dealing with people. It just transpires in new situations and circumstances.
In the back of my mind I’ve always had that niggling feeling that I’m just that “run of the mill” person. Always constant, never under achieving, never over exceeding. It is something I battle with myself day in & day out. “Why can’t I just be good at something? Anything?” – that’s my problem, I’m always just average at things. I don’t feel I have the capacity to be anything other than what I am.
Despite my blog being a constant stream in my life it’s about the only thing that I have kept up with. I’ve had a few wobbles where I have taken a little bit of time out but it’s always something I can come back and rely on. This little slice of the internet is the one thing that gives me hope that I am indeed quite good at, but within mere minutes of reading someone else’s perfectly polished and poetic posts (like the alliteration there.) that I am indeed just average again.
I was recently nominated for Best Fashion Blog in the Bloggers Lounge Awards. It was such a sense of achievement to be a finalist in a category that I thought I would have no chance of even sniffing the final five. I started to worry that I didn’t belong there because my blog also covered more lifestyle and travel topics too. Was I even that good at what I had been nominated for? Slowly but surely I started to accept that I was indeed there because I did deserve it. It was a great sense of achievement in myself to actually believe that I could do it. It was also a relief that I didn’t have to beat myself up about it anymore.
My brain is scatty which is why my blog has never homed in on one topic. My brain just works like that. It’s a bit like a child who is playing with her new barbie, then suddenly they see something else that’s brand new and sparkly and they’ll leap on to the other toy and start playing with that instead. It’s a bit like procrastination except my love for previous topics is always still there just not at the forefront whilst I explore the new and uncovered. I often get annoyed with myself that I can’t just stick to something & hone in on it. “You should find your niche and stick to it.” is what you are always told in SEO or blogging 101’s and it does make sense, you don’t want to confuse your readers. So for someone like me, where do I fit in?
I guess that I have come to the conclusion I’m just gonna write whatever comes to my head & heart, a little bit like this post. It’s okay to be an outcast because if you are doing something you love & that makes YOU happy, who cares what anyone else thinks. To hell with trying to make people like you, their opinion is invalid as soon as they dismiss you as a human being – ain’t nobody got time for that? Sing, dance, mine-craft, juggle, firebreath or whatever it is you do that makes you feel like you do have a valid place in this world. Follow everything you believe to be good for yourself and never beat yourself up for liking things that do make you feel good. I guess the moral of the story is, be you. Be you forever and always.
Bee xxx
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