I think for everyone these days it’s really a “Sink or Swim” kinda world we live in. Well, recently I would definitely say I have fit in to the “sink” category. For want of a better explanation the last two weeks I had been on a complete crash course of feeling very sorry for myself. Brought on mainly by PMS (although, I’m currently looking in to PMDD as my mindset and mood swings seem to be getting worse each month!) but also, the gravitational pull I’ve had to making this blog the very best I can make it. Suddenly, I started questioning – what is it all for? What happens when you “can’t get shit done?”
I love my blog, it’s been a little project, hobby even “my baby” the last few years. I do it because I love it, the fact that brands want to collaborate with me is just an added bonus. But what happens when you run yourself in to the ground trying so hard that you forget about you along the way?
I work Monday to Friday and generally have pretty busy weekends too. I was having to cram so much blogging in to those little gaps that I started to realise I actually wasn’t doing it as a job & it really started to feel like that. Working full time and blogging is a massive juggle, for some it’s a breeze, but for me I had completely burnt myself out trying to be good at it and making it more of a job for myself. I’ll never be a massive blogger, I know that. I’m not the conventional “stereo type” that brands want to work with (NB. there is nothing wrong with being that person if you are BTW!) but part of me started to believe that I could make it. A part of me still does.
I work hard, hard at trying to make this blog a success and to be honest I have absolutely no steer in where I want my career to go. You could say I came to a crossroads of wondering where my life was heading. I don’t think I could quit work and blog full time. Where would the money come from if I had no opportunities? Then I’d kick myself for not believing myself that I could do it. So, after taking a little time off from my blog and any duties that are related to it and I’ve had nearly two weeks of chilling out. No deadlines, no pressure. My goodness did I need that. I didn’t realise just how much. I think there is so much pressure on woman to succeed in their field to gain appreciation or respect, not just from males but females too. It’s okay to fail, it’s how you learn from those mistakes to make you a better person.
With chaser emails from the companies that do want to work with (that I appreciate so much!) “had I received the email?” or “when will your post be live?” It was all getting a little too much. I completely understand it’s a job that people have to do and that is no fault of anyone elses, but juggling everything was really starting to pile up. Luckily, I met all deadlines, but what if I hadn’t? Would I have been struck off their list for future collaborations? Anxiety is a complete monster because it makes you think of the “ifs” and “buts” all the freaking time.
With realisations of my real father (wanker), arguments at home (yes it isn’t always light & roses), the desire to put our house up for sale and move to a bigger house (we’re bursting at the seams) – none of which seemed to be going my way. I just needed to step back after meeting all the deadlines. In the meantime I’ve worked really hard at my job. I’m not tired when I’m here, I’m much more positive which is starting to have a knock on effect on my sales and commissions. I’m in a good place and see my career moving forward, something that recently just felt like I was getting up going to work, coming home and repeating each and everyday.
I have so much drive that I find it hard to place it, I go full guns blazing or nothing at all. One minute I’m half full, the next I’m half empty. What I do know is that it is okay to just stop and have a breather. I’m really looking forward to heading to Madeira in March which has felt like a long time coming. I hope that I will be able to relax and shut down completely.
I’m not quite sure if this is really a “post” but I guess the moral of the story is, stop putting so much pressure on yourself to succeed. If it’s gonna happen it will. Yes, work hard but don’t forget about yourself along the way. If you are struggling there are some great support networks out there such as The Samaritans who are a friendly voice in times of darkness. I hope by sharing my story it can help others to open up about theirs or at least face a situation that they may be struggling with.
Bee xxx
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